I had the worst time going to see this movie today. There is just one theater in the college town I live in, and for some reason the goofballs couldn't figure out how to load the film right. So Jake and I sit there like dumb asses bitching about it and then I am just over it.
So we leave the theater but then Nina Kinkaid's words pop into my head "YOU HAVE TO REVIEW MISSION: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE". And she sounded just like Ben Kenobi. It was nuts. So I make Jake drive me like an hour out the way and because I am getting my way he insists that his fat bra Tippen come along for the ride. I like Tippen and all, but I have squich between him and Jake in the front seat of Jake's pick up and there is nothing more annoying.
So on with the movie. Mission: It's Impossible 3 stars Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt and then there are a whole bunch of other people like Scarlett Johannsen shooter Jonathon Rhys-Meyers, Ving Rhames, Maggie Q (who?), that cutie Simon Pegg from Shaun of the Dead. Oh man and Billy Crudup, who is so pretty. It just drives me nuts because he sounds like those dumb credit card commercials. The movie also has Philip Seymour Hoffman hot on the heels of his Academy Award win for Capote.
The basic plot follows Ethan Hunt falling in love with a non-spy played by Michele Monaghan, who is kind of adorable in like everything she is in. But if you really want to see her in something interesting, then go and see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but that's a hundred times better. So she gets involved with Tom Cruise. Then Tom Cruise has to go after the bad guy, and then the bad guy escapes, and then the bad guy goes after Michelle. That's the whole plot basically. I mean there are little side trails and stuff, but that's about it in a nutshell.
First let me focus on what is terrible about this movie. Tom Cruise plays the ultimate spaz. I am glad he has a lot of energy, but every seen it looks like he's plugged into an amplifier or something. He doesn't even run normal. He has some kind of movie run which is like a more extreme form of running. He's just such a spaz it's hard to take him seriously. At one point, there's this big action sequence involving Cruise needing to get from one office building to the other. Oh my god it is so ludicrous, but while prepping for it, he actually takes a wax pencil to a window pane and starts writing out formulas for what he wants to do. Yeah he's such a super agent he knows math. Jake and Tippen started giggling so hard they couldn't stop themselves.
And that is just one of the many farfetched things about the movie. Now I know what you are thinking. It's just a Mission: It's Impossible movie, right? So what would be the big deal with this hyper-real world of gadgets and spies. Well nothing really. I have no problem with the hyper-real. I just didn't like the hyper. I know he would never do it, but Tom should think about ritalin. Oh and for all those rumors about Cruise being a tad gay? He doesn't help his cause any by escaping from IMF headquarters to the sound of We Are Family.
The other big thing wrong with this movie is big fat Philip Seymore Hoffman. He's so incredibly one dimensional that it's painful. They never establish his motivation really and he's shorted on screen time, so he really doesn't leave that much of an impression. Which is sad really because I expected more from him and his character. Considering this was directed by Alias creator J.J. Abrams, I was expecting him to give some life to his villains. I mean this is the guy that created Arvin Sloane for pete's sake, and he's one of the most memorable baddies from TV in the last thousand years. The problem with Hoffman's character is tha
t he's just too generic. He has generic desires and threats and they are so nebulous that we just don't care.
What you say? We don't need to care about Hoffman's plans because the real threat is what happens to MIchelle, right? Well it's a Mission: It's Impossible movie. Before going into it, think about how it might end. Once you realize that you'll be all "oh threat diminished!"
Where Mission: It's Impossible really shines is during the numerous action setpieces. There are four or five really big numbers and Tom Cruise spazzes his way through every single one of them. That's not to say they aren't ripping good fun, but... god, I dunno. I guess I just have a case of the 'been there done thats'. The movie really really really reminded me of Alias not only in the structure but the tone of the action. Much like Sydney Bristow, you know Ethan Hunt is never going to cross the line and go too far. Because of that, the movie lacks an edge. So while the scenes are pretty exciting, I don't see why you would pay for them in a movie when you can watch them on Alias (at least for a couple more weeks right?).
Abrams is an incredibly capable director, but he should think about tackling someone else's script next time. The only part of the movie that really rocked my socks was the music. Michael Giacchino, who does the music for Alias, Lost and Pixar's The Incredibles does a fantastic job of updating Lalo Schifrin's classic Mission: Impossible themes. The music is big, brassy and gives the movie a sheen of being much better than it actually is.
So that's kind of it in a nutshell. I didn't hate it, but it was just kind of mediocre. And Tom Cruise needs to calm his ass down a little. This review will do mankind a favor and self destruct in like 5 seconds!
See y'all!
PS - And a big F-You to Hollywood. Felicity totally got short changed in this! Corporate weasels.
