Hey children, Samantha here with a review of Ed Norton's newest movie, The Illusionist. I kind of hate writing about crappy movies and all, so this prolly isn't going to be like an exhaustive review or anything. Yeah so I guess I kind of spoiled the whole review with that second sentence there, but yeah... The Illusionist isn't a very good film.
So a little set up, righto? The Illusionist takes place IN THE PAST. And it takes place in Austria. And the exact date, I am not sure, but probably around 1890-1930. Or maybe a little earlier. I'm not a history major, so maybe you should seek one of them out if those are the kinds of details that are important to you. The Illusionist (or as I keep wanting to called it The ELOOOOJUNIST), is about a magician or, uh, illusionist named Eisenheim. He is reputed to be the very best at what he does, and when he arrives in Vienna, he totally blows people away. The coolest parts of the movie would be seeing some of these wicked illusions, and we see some, but they aren't all that wicked. They're more like REM videos.
So before we actually meet Eisenheim the Illusionist, we meet Eisenheim the weisenheimer. As a kid, Eisenheim falls in love with this pretty royal girl, and they are of course ripped from each other's arms because he's just a weisenheimer that Eisenheim, and he could be Jewish too with a name like that. These are all things I don't know and questions I was asking myself after the movie. So the romantic setup is offered in a prelude and the big problem with the set up is that you can predict just about every moment of the movie from it. I am not going to spoil the ending for you, kind reader, but when the pre-formed Jessica Biel screams into the young Eisenheimer's ear, "MAKE US DISSAPEAR!", well I bet it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or snooty history major) to figure out what's goin' to happen.
So next we meet Eisenheim the master Illusionist and still part time weisenheimer. See Eisenheim has captured the attention of all of Vienna, and among those are Royal mucky-muck, Crown Prince Leopold (Rufus Sewell) and Chief Inspector Ewe (Paul Giamatti). Also present at Eisenheim's opening night is little miss thang Jessica Biel playing Sophie, who is the all grown up version of the little girl Eisenheim fell for hard as a wee lad. Right. So...
Anyway, the movie chronicles Eisenheimer and Sophie's rekindled romance and all the suspense of what will happen when Crown Prince Leopold finds out and demands Eisenheim's head on a triscuit. All the while Inspector Ewe is tightening the screws on Eisenheim to not only share his recipe's with him, but also because he's just nosy.
So besides the fact that the movie is so predictable Corky could figure it out, there are loads of other problems. Like first: Ed Norton? Are you having a bad time with your career as the greatest actor of your generation or something? Because you don't seem to have very much energy. You were more interesting in The Italian Job and that was a movie that you didn't even want to do. And why am I addressing you directly anyway? You don't care what I have to say. Even if the movie had been just as predictable, the Illusionist might have been more interesting to watch if Norton brought more to the table than peculiar facial hair. I mean the character of Eisenheim is kind of cool right? And he's forced into using all his talents as a magician to find true love. Dang that's a wickacool premise, but it just made me sleepy.
And did I mention the movie was really really really predictable?
Okay I can't avoid this. So there is a scene in this that everything in the last half of the movie hinges on you buying. See Leopold comes back from wherever, the fucksit, and he insists to Sophie that "YOU WILL MARRY ME!" and Sophie is all "NO WAY!" And she runs, right? And the Leopold's all "COME BACK HERE YOU SCALLYWAG!" and gives chase. Anyway he totally murders Sophie, but so the way the scene is filmed (from the perspective of some guard or something), well it's like totally obvious that it's bulloney. I mean no one would believe Sophie has actually been killed especially when they telegraph well before the murder and the subsequent ELOOOJUN happens. So it kind of makes the movie moot or something. A history major could give you more thought filled analysis I am sure.
So the movie isn't a total loss. Jessica Biel actually does a good job surrounded by some pretty heady actors and such. She still doesn't look like someone from Vienna from 1890-1930, but she doesn't look out of place either, I guess. She's kind of a likeable person and it's nice to see her get some mature movie roles. Giamatti is weird as Inspector Ewe, but he's weird in everything. That's his thing, right? And he's good at being weird here although why he's such a nosy guy is beyond me. And then there is Rufus Sewell playing the same bad guy he always plays. Arrogant, handsome with those eyes. THOSE CRAZY SOUL PEIRCING EYES. Yeah he's okay in this too. In fact between him and Norton, Sewell seems like the only one to really engage in the movie. Yeah the bad guy is more interesting than the good one.
And that's it. So don't see it.
