10 Movies I Want YOU to See
Find Me Guilty
The Players: Vin Diesel and director, Sidney Lumet
The Story: Sent to prison on a drug charge, Jackie Dinorsio refuses
to turn government witness against his former associates in the New
Jersey Lucchesi crime family. However, prosecutor Sean Casey mounts a
huge case under the RICO statutes involving dozens of defendants and
their attorneys, including Nick Calabrese. For Casey, it looks like an
open and shut case, until Jackie, who is already serving 30 years,
decides to defend himself. Initially dismissed as a lunatic, Jackie
has a forceful personality and an intrinsic understanding of the legal
process that gradually change the course of the trial.
Why I am Making You Watch It: I have not yet seen a single frame from
this film, but Vin Diesel with hair cracks me up. Okay, Vin Diesel
cracks me up. If you actually pay to see a movie with him then you
deserve to choke on your own banality, and that sound you hear?
That's me laughing at you.
Eight Below
The Players: Paul Walker and some Dogs
The Story: Inspired by a true story, EIGHT BELOW is an
action-adventure about loyalty and the bonds of friendship set in the
extreme wilderness of Antarctica. The film tells the story of three
members of a scientific expedition: Jerry Shepard, his best friend,
Cooper, and a rugged American geologist, who are forced to leave
behind their team of beloved sled dogs due to a sudden accident and
perilous weather conditions in Antarctica. During the harsh, Antarctic
winter, the dogs must struggle for survival alone in the intense
frozen wilderness for over 6 months.
Why I am Making You Watch It: I am willing to bet that you can't
hardly get through the trailer without tearing up. Watching the movie
will cathart enough tears out of you to drown a third world orphanage.
And that would be cathartic to me.
Date Movie
The Players: Allison Hannigan
The Story: The story of hopeless romantic Julia Jones, who has
finally met the man of her dreams, the very British Grant
Fonckyerdoder. But before they can have their Big Fat Greek Wedding,
they'll have to Meet the Parents, hook-up with The Wedding Planner,
and contend with Grant's friend Andy - a spectacularly beautiful woman
who wants to put an end to her Best Friend's Wedding.
Why I am Making You Watch It: Your precious Allison Hannigan has been
cast from the Thunderdome that was Buffy and now she wanders the
blasted post-apocalyptic landscape that is mediocrity. Suffer.
Failure to Launch
The Players: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey
The Story: A thirty-something man who still lives with his parents
falls in love with the woman of his dreams and begins to suspect she
has been hired by his parents as a way to get him out of the house.
Why I am Making You Watch It: It's a movie about a thirty-something
man who still lives with his parents falls in love with the woman of
his dreams and begins to suspect she has been hired by his parents as
a way to get him out of the house with Sarah Jessica Parker and
Matthew McConaughey.
The Shaggy Dog
The Players: Tim Allen and Kristin Davis
The Story: Blah Blah Blah? Tim Allen turns into a Dog. A Shaggy one
apparently.
Why I am Making You Watch It: The original was a charming nut of a
film with the ever appealing Fred MacMurray. This new version should
be like being forced fed some homeless dude's pre-chewed liverwurst
sandwich. Out of a dog bowl. With me sitting on your back.
RV
The Players: Robin Williams, Cheryl Hines and director, Barry Sonnenfeld.
The Story: About an average, dysfunctional American family who is
about to set off on the most dangerous, high-stakes, life-threatening
and traumatizing adventure of their lives: two weeks together in an RV.
Why I am Making You Watch It: Because I'm really mean, and what can
be more cruel than the penis-in-meat-grinder comedy of Robin Williams.
Basic Instinct 2
The Players: Sharon Stone and some bland British guys
The Story: Novelist Catherine Tramell is once again in trouble with
the law, and Scotland Yard appoints psychiatrist Dr. Andrew Glass to
evaluate her. Though, like Detective Nick Curran before him, Glass is
entranced by Tramell and lured into a seductive game.
Why I am Making You Watch It: The first Basic Instinct was a nice
taunt to mainstream movie goers who had thought about engaging in sex
acts more lascivious than how their parents did it. It was also
darkly humorous and featured a visionary director and cast all at the
top of their game. The sequel looks like Cinemax would blush at the
script and budget. In this day and age, the uncreative kink this
movie will serve will only bore audiences out of their gourd. You
should watch it because it might make you impotent, and that in turn
will make 5 or 6 future sexual conquests breath a collective sigh of
relief.
Benchwarmers
The Players: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Craig
Kilborn
The Story: Gus and his nerdy buddies, Richie and Clark, are scouted
by a miilionaire nerd, Mel, who wants to form a baseball team and
compete with the meanest Little League teams in the state. A stellar
ballplayer, Gus becomes a role model for nerds and outcasts
everywhere. But when his fans learn that Gus, himself, was once a
school bully, they feel outraged and betrayed, until Gus takes
extraordinary steps to win back their admiration and trust.
Why I am Making You Watch It: Rob Schneider is the e-Stim of world
comedy.
Joyeux Noel
The Players: Dianne Kruger
The Story: Based on a true story, the film recreates one Christmas
night during WWI when enemies were able to lay aside their
differences, visit each others trenches and celebrate the holiday.
Why I am Making You Watch It: I just watched the trailer for this,
and it looks like the most sickening saccharine movie to come along
since Billy Elliot. If given the choice between having clothes pins
whipped off your nipples with a leather bullwhip or watching this
movie? I bet you would suffer less with the whip.
Adam & Steve
The Players: Pretty Boys, I am sure?
The Story: The romantic trajectory of two people struggling to make
love work in spite of overwhelming odds. Having met in the 80's after
a disastrous one night stand, Adam and Steve don't recognize each
other when they meet again fifteen years later. With the help of their
best friends, formerly obese stand up comic Rhonda, and straight guy
ladies man Michael, our protagonists fall in love only to realize, a
year into their relationship, that they met before and unwittingly
changed the course of each other's lives that fateful night in the
80's. Now the question is--can they accept this and incorporate it
into their current understanding of each other? Or more importantly,
can they hold hands on the street without being beaten up?
Why I am Making You Watch It: There is nothing more humiliating than
Gay cinema.
