Man, where do i even start with this.
My friend Brian had his dads car, so he was all like, "Let's go to the megaplex!" which is one of those giant movie malls out on the highway. Now, I don't like to turn down a Friday night at the movies, but I had a bad feeling we were going to see The Benchwarmers, despite this little exchange with Brian before we left for the megaplex:
Brian: Let's go to the Megaplex!
Me: Ok, That's cool, but I don't want to see The Benchwarmers.
Brian: But Jon Heder...
Me: Brian, seriously, NO BENCHWARMERS.
Brian: But he was Napoleon Dyn-
Me: Say it.
Brain: Ok... Fine.
Me: Say it!
Brian: No Benchwarmers.
So of course, we saw The Benchwarmers.
First, I'd like to talk about Jon Heder.
Ok, so, yeah, everyone loves Napoleon Dynamite. At school, kids wear "Vote for Pedro" shirts.
I hated that movie.
Sure, some of the characters were funny - Napoleon being one of them... But where was the script?! There was NO STORY in that movie.
Anyway... If there was anything I went in to The Benchwarmers hoping for, it was to see Jon Heder really show that he's more than Napoleon Dynamite.
Well... He's not. He's basically proven to the world that he can do one thing.
Which is fitting since he's in a movie with Rob Schneider and David Spade.
Here's the story in a nutshell:
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Nerdy kids can't play on the baseball field because of Bully kids. Nerdy Grownups take on Bully Kids and win. Nerdy Kids dad asks Nerdy Grownups to challenge all the Bully Kids to baseball to make all nerds (young and old) feel like they belong in the world.
It's a simple plot, and if i had known better, i would have thought it was meant to satirize (or pay homage to) films like Revenge of The Nerds and The Bad News Bears. Maybe that was the original intention... But man, what a sloppy film.
If it had just tried to be one film, like an homage or satire, it could have been great... But all the juvenile nose picking and fart jokes really get tiring after a while.
The cast is terrible. But i mean- What do you expect from Schnieder and Spade? They're not that great. Tim Meadows shows up and plays another bland, useless character that begs the question, "why was he on SNL for so long? He did NOTHING funny!"
Jon Heder is TERRIBLE. I mean, OMG, he is just embarrassing to watch. It's not entirely his fault. There's no logic to his character. He's not just a nerd, he's a moron and borderline retarded. Or is he? It's never really clear. He eats his own boogers, apparently wears a diaper, runs home for macaroni with his mom, and eats squished bugs. I know that these characters aren't supposed to be realistic, but come on... He's not grounded in anything.
Nick Swardson... Who is he? I thought it was Will Ferrell phoning in a horrible performance. Turns out it's some guy doing a bad Will Ferrell impression named Nick Swardson... Oh, he's one of the writers.
So, here's a few things that are good... Because yes, it's not all terrible. I did laugh a few times.
Jon Lovitz, Jon Lovitz, Jon Lovitz.
What is it about this guy? I've seen some of his SNL episodes. Him and Phil Hartman were two of the best things to come out of SNL. He shows up in a film, and he's the funniest thing in it. Why isn't he a STAR?!
He made me laugh. I love him. He saved me from plunging my straw into my eyes.
Craig Kilborn is good, because he actually seems to get that this movie might be a satire. He's plays the villain like a cliche 80's villain.
That's it tho.
Everything else sucks.
But you know what, I recommend this film. Go see it. Why the hell not. Watch it and tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that it's enjoyable fluff.
Brian fucking LOVED IT.
So... There you go.
