So, yeah, I've been on a bit of a "Horror movie" kick the last week... And seeing as Eli Roth's Hostel was just released on DVD I figured it was the perfect thing for me to see and review.
First, let me get this out of the way... Yes, I'm a girl, and yes, I'm young, but that doesn't mean it's very easy to scare me.
I can hold my own, thank you very much. And I've seen all the classics. I know my shit.
Don't test me here.
Ok, so... Hostel.
What an utter piece of garbage.
All I heard when Hostel opened was, "oh, you didn't like Cabin Fever? Well, you'll love Hostel".
Bullshit.
This movie sucked ass.
I don't know why the world has been so hypnotized by Eli Roth... The guy can't write a script to save his life.
Eli, when you make a deal with the devil, ask for the talent to go along with the fame.
So, the plot.
Three guys are backpacking across Europe. They hear of a Hostel where the women are really hot. So they go. Then they disappear, one by one. It turns out that they are being seduced by the women into a much more sinister game.
The boys end up being torture victims for rich tourists who have grown bored of whatever it is that foreign countries usually have to offer.
So, that's the plot.
Sounds like it could be good, doesn't it?
Well, it isn't.
The story points are ridiculous - and don't start on the whole "suspension of disbelief" argument, because that's just a poor excuse for sloppy writing.
Also, this movie didn't scare me in the least, and that's how I judge a horror movie.
Instead it's just tits, torture and gore, which for some people is enough.
There's also some humor in the film - some would say that this is Mr. Roth's niche: Horror Comedy.
Well, the thing is, not only is it not scary, it's also not funny. It's like Napoleon Dynamite with tits and gore.
I guess for some people, that's a dream come true... But for me, it's a nightmare.
In fact, the movie as a package was scarier to me than the movie itself.
Uh.
Oh, right, this is a DVD review.
The video is crystal clear and the audio is fantastic (although the music sucks) and the extras are- oh man, why bother.
If you like this movie, we can't be friends.
